Food is such a strange drug. It is a blessing and sometimes a curse. But like all drugs, it changes you, both when it’s gone and when it arrives.
I wonder if fear is the common denominator of all addiction, the fear of something becoming lost or unavailable.
The sweet spot in the calm has a very slow onset though, once you become an adult.
When I eat something that I want, it does make me feel good for a few moments. But after a few moments, the good feeling passes and I am filled only by the desire for more. When I do continue to eat again immediately, the good feeling never fully arrives.
For the newborn healthy human, the calm comes much faster. It’s just eat, burp, cuddle, then peace.
Now, the calm does not arrive until a few hours have passed after the last bite has been swallowed.
The clock is such a stubborn bastard, slowing when you are in need, and running away while you rest.
The thing that I can control, right now, is my
of what will happen
when I feed my addiction.